


Undoing

by OneTrueNorth



Category: The Blacklist (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:06:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28513914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneTrueNorth/pseuds/OneTrueNorth
Summary: Reddington's thoughts after leaving the park and shooting Katarina.   After 8x02.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 25





	Undoing

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Characters are not mine; no profits here.

Raymond Reddington leans back against the headrest and uncharacteristically slouches in defeat. His eyes are closed, although no one can tell from the tint of his sunglasses and the afternoon sun's unforgiving slant.

His life has not been a ‘picnic’ by any speculations and considered far from enjoyable by even the most mediocre of standards. In this life, that he has designed for himself, he finds joy in the places he can- a drink at the end of a successful ruse, a delightful meal shared with a friend, the solace of a good book. But lately… lately, Reddington finds that it takes all he has just to get through the day. This active criminal lifestyle is wearing him down, as his health seems to constantly remind him. It is increasingly harder to count on people that he once trusted with his life. Reddington finally found the semblance of a family in Elizabeth, joy in watching Agnes grow, and then… the suitcase, and Katarina. He tells himself it’s all these reasons, but if he’s brutally honest, it’s mostly the way Elizabeth _fucking looks at him_ these days. He is truly trying to work past Lizzie’s betrayal that put him on death row (which is no small feat), but a knife twists in his gut each time Elizabeth chooses that woman over him, every time she looks at him like he is the _scum of the earth_ when he only tries to protect her.

How can he begin to explain that he knew she was watching… and shot her mother anyhow because he might not get another chance before more irreparable damage is done? That he didn’t want to get into the damn car to drive away and leave her there alone ( _he never wanted her to be alone_ ); to take the body so she couldn’t grieve, but that circumstances left him no other choice? Elizabeth is too personally involved to fully comprehend the danger, and there are complications she has no idea of yet. As cruel as the act seemed, it was necessary for the safety of her and Agnes. He knows Lizzie won’t see it as anything other than another one of his secrets; won’t view it as anything besides him protecting himself no matter the cost- the very reason she has grown to hate him in the first place. His soul feels heavier than it’s been in a very long time. _Oh, he is tired of being a sin eater._

Numbly watching the streets pass outside the window, Reddington’s thoughts turn briefly to simpler times, when he and Elizabeth were on the run. To an ordinary person, being on the run wouldn’t seem simple, but that was one of the best times he’d had in a while. Lizzie had trusted him, then. There were rare moments, like on the shipping container and looking up at the night sky, that the world seemed right and effortless. He dismisses the memory with tightness in his throat. _A different life_ , he thinks to himself. Lizzie has experienced far too much of his and Katarina’s world now, turning her into someone he isn’t quite sure he recognizes. He feels he has failed phenomenally at keeping her safe. Perhaps if he had made different choices along the way, offered explanations when she had asked… circumstances would be different now. But both he and Elizabeth have made their choices.

He _needs_ to know what information Dom revealed to Katarina, but ways to find that out are limited now that both parties are deceased. The information is crucial but sensitive, and he can’t just go asking around haphazardly, though he can’t recall the last time he wanted to so badly. The knowledge could be damning to Elizabeth in the wrong hands. This was never supposed to have happened. A wave of nausea sweeps over him. He remembers it like it was yesterday.

_\--(Reddington has a memory)—_

_He poured himself a drink, trying to process the information. “It’s too risky. You shouldn’t involve her, she’s only a child.”_

_Katarina waved a hand, brushing him aside nonchalantly. “It healed quickly enough, and Masha has no recollection of it. I saw to that. She believes it’s an injury from the fire.”_

_Things had not gone according to plan, but it was unthinkable that she would involve Masha in this. He would find another way. “She’ll be in danger-“_

_“Masha will be in America. She'll be safe. Raymond, dance with me?” Katarina gave him a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, and he didn't know if she was pleading or daring. He felt horribly unsettled, as if a storm were on the horizon._

_\-------------------------_

That was the last time he saw Katarina alive. He still thinks of it that way, because the woman he has since encountered is _not_ the Katarina Rostova he had known and loved. No, _this_ woman was out to destroy him. The Katarina he had known, had sent Elizabeth away to be protected. _This_ woman used himself and Lizzie both as the means to an end. And Agnes… _oh, Agnes_. Lizzie can fend for herself, but to think that _this Katarina_ had spent time with _his Agnes_ , could have harmed or taken off with her after everything they had gone through getting her back previously… he almost wants to go back and kill the woman again, a little more slowly, this time. She certainly deserved her suffering.

The imperative matter at hand, was what information had Dom revealed about the Sikorsky Archive and N-13? Truly, Katarina herself should know, but why would she press the old man to death ( _quite literally_ ) if she did? Reddington currently considers two options, and didn’t care for either: the woman had suffered an injury or illness that left her unable to recall stealing the archive and what she’d done with it (not out of the realm of possibilities; Katarina had a host of terrible enemies) or the woman was not, in fact, the real Katarina Rostova. 

Reddington realizes he has been lost in thought for too long. Dembe must have spoken; his dark eyes apologetically meet Red’s stone ones in the rear-view mirror. “We have arrived,” his comrade’s smooth voice solemnly informs him.

Taking a mere moment to compose himself, Reddington reaches for his hat. He desperately needs to speak to Elizabeth. It is vital that she be aware of the caliber of people who will come for her and why, but he has no delusions that she is in the frame of mind to speak with him. Hell, she’ll probably have him arrested again if she doesn’t attempt to shoot him herself.

Still, it is imperative that she know. He _must_ figure out how to tell her despite the circumstances, and soon. Reddington feels physically ill at the thought of informing Elizabeth she is carrying the Sikorsky Archive inside her wrist; that she has for most of her life. Informing her of yet another betrayal- that her mother had put it there, to hide that she was N-13… altered Lizzie’s memories so that Lizzie thought it was a scar from the fire. (His eyes are burning - Elizabeth thinks it is a scar from the experience she shared with him, and he always selfishly liked the idea). He fears the knowledge comes when she's already at the precipice, but it's time for yet another truth to be told. He desperately wants to protect her, even now, but there is little chance she will allow him to do so. 

He’ll do it anyway, and fully realizes it may be his undoing.


End file.
